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	Monkey Business (6-22-02) During my travels to a limited amount of exotic locales, I have noticed that as the growing, virulent human populations squeeze out the native flora and fauna, all that is left is sacred, worthless or deadly. In Costa Rica, the sloth is prevalent since its meat is gross and its fur is like a moss covered brillo pad. In India, according to my encyclopedia, there are a lot of cows (sacred) waltzing past starving people with total impunity. In Guam, the green tree snakes eat all the birds, bite babies and are a pain in the ass (arse). In Bali, you have monkeys, dogs and cats. I hear there are cobras in the hills but I didn't go sticking my head into mossy logs to confirm this. The cats are sacred. Our taxi driver almost wrecked trying to miss one because he said you would have to perform a ceremony if he did. The dogs are said to be reincarnated bad people and are treated as such. According to my English-Indonesian translation book, one of the cuss words means 'dog'. Ie. "Anjing!! My foot just got eaten by a cobra!!" Not as satisfying as a string of profanities I could spew in my sleep, but when in Bali... Then there are the monkeys. My first time to Bali, we hiked down the cliff to Green Balls and I set up shop. My back was still torqued (see Toothless massage lady) so I elected to take pictures while my friends battled the surf. I am the only person on the beach, sweating from the heat and pain, and here come the monkeys. At first I was stoked to see a new wild animal in nature. Then I worried that they would gang up and tear out my beating heart and play 'keep-away' while they hold it just out of reach, hanging from a branch by their tail. I chose a good strategy of indifference while I adjusted my camera for a photo-shoot. The same monkeys were down on the beach on the Bukit, first thing, taunting the Bali-dogs. In the old days (15 years ago) my chiropractor and a guide were walking to Padang Padang when he made a threatening gesture to a larger, meaner type of monkey who charged them and kept chase, long after he dropped his board in the street. His guide, who already had scars from bites, re-scolded him. A required side trip when it is flat in Bali is to go to the monkey forest in Ubud. This is pure entertainment in its rawest form. The sign says, "Don't feed the monkeys. They are very unpredictable." There are plenty of things wrong with this. The first thing they do is try to sell you peanuts and bananas that are snatched up by tourists. The monkeys on the other hand, are totally predictable. If you have food, they will jump on you. If you have anything loose on your body, they will try to grab it. (Secret tip to Toobs readers: If you want them off, start walking) Simple. So, you just sit back, watch out for poop and enjoy the show. The last time I was there, this girl was squatting down with a banana on her shoulder. Instead of perching on her shoulder like in the funny movies, it bit her arm and drew blood. Normally, a manly man such as myself would rush to the assistance of the poor damsel in distress, and give here condolences as I tried to get the name of her hotel. Instead, we couldn't stop laughing! We were certainly getting our 2500rp worth, however much that is. There are these students taking notes on monkey/"human" interactions. She asks one if she will be OK. The girl looks up and says deadpan, "we don't know". Towards closing time, the monkeys get edgy. Ellie and I walked across a chasm on a narrow bridge to a platform to be intimidated by a particularly large specimen. Why do they need 1" long fangs to eat bananas? We proceed to the temple at Ulu Watu. The monkeys there are much bitchier. When we arrive, the monkeys are strangely absent, like they are plotting their next move. Turns out that they were BAD yesterday when they bit a kid's finger off. My cousin was there and they grabbed his camera bag. There went a monkey hand full of film rolls from his Mentawai boat trip 400' down into the Indian Ocean... We walk up some stairs and find some monkeys. They are on a wall with a semi-circle of tourists gawking. In the blink of an eye the monkeys are doing it, monkey-style. Some guy jumps out of the crowd, snaps a picture, snickers and disappears in the mob. Things happen very fast in the Monkey temple. more stories >>